How Ephesians 2:1-9 Changed My Life

Ephesians 2:1-9
And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind.  But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

My whole life I've struggled with doubt of my salvation. You see, I grew up in a Baptist church in Mississippi where the preaching was really good preaching. Now, I thought I understood salvation. You just "accept Jesus into your heart", believe in him, & you're saved. And that's what I thought I did. So I "walked the aisle", I "prayed the prayer". I got baptized. I was saved. Accept for one problem....I wasn't saved. Or at least, I didn't feel like it. So a couple of years later, we went through the routine again. So I "walked the aisle", I "prayed the prayer". I got baptized...again. And I was saved. Accept for one problem....I wasn't saved. Or at least, I didn't feel like it. Because although I professed Christ with my mouth, I denied him with my lifestyle.

After about 15 churchless & changeless years later, my first child, Griffin, was born.  And then God happened. I really wanted to know God. I really wanted to be a good father for Griffin. But it wasn't good enough to be a "good" father. I wanted to be the "right" father. Right with God, that is. So I started reading the Bible. And God started working in my heart. Now, I had a lot of knowledge from the Bible from my childhood, just no application. Here is the problem I ran into. As much as I wanted to just "accept Christ"....I couldn't. I wanted Christ. I wanted Christ bad. But I just could not have any assurance. Part of me believed that I was saved, but part of me really doubted it. I had faith. I believed Jesus was the Son of God, that he died on the cross for the sins of men, but I could not believe that he died for mine.

If you've ever read Grace Abounding To The Chief Of Sinners by John Bunyan....that was me. That was my life.  To quote the book,
But I observed, though I was such a great sinner before conversion, yet God never much charged the guilt of the sins of my ignorance upon me, only he showed me I was lost if I had not Christ, because I had been a sinner. I saw that I wanted a perfect righteousness to present me without fault before God, and this righteousness was nowhere to be found but in the person of Jesus Christ. But my original and inward pollution, that, that was my plague and affliction; that I saw at a dreadful rate always putting forth itself within me; that I had the guilt of to amazement; by reason of that, I was more loathsome in mine own eyes than a toad, and I thought I was so in God's eyes too. Sin and corruption, I said, would as naturally bubble out of my heart, as water would bubble out of a fountain. I thought now that every one had a better heart than I had. I could have changed heart with any body. I thought none but the devil himself could equal me for inward wickedness and pollution of mind. I fell therefore, at the sight of my own vileness, deeply into despair; for I concluded that this condition that I was in could not stand with a state of grace. Sure, thought I, I am forsaken of God; sure I am given up to the devil, and to a reprobate mind. And thus I continued for a long while, even for some years together.
While I was thus afflicted with the fears of my own damnation, there were two things would make me wonder. The one was, when I saw old people hunting after the things of this life as if they should live here always, the other was, when I found professors much distressed and cast down when they met with outward losses, as of husband, wife, child, etc. Lord, thought I, what ado is here about such little things as these. What seeking after carnal things by some, and what grief in others for the loss of them. If they so much labor after and shed so many tears for the things of this present life, how am I to be bemoaned, pitied, and prayed for. My soul is dying, my soul is damned. Were my soul but in a good condition, and were I but sure of it, ah, how rich should I esteem myself, though blessed but with bread and water. I should count those but small afflictions, and should bear them as little burdens. A wounded spirit who can bear?

This was my constant state. I was ever tormented. Always scared. That if I should die at any moment, I was hopeful at best that I'd go to heaven, but felt that surely I'd go to hell. I had abandoned Christ a long time ago, and like Esau who sold his birthright for a single meal. For you know that afterward, when he desired to inherit the blessing, he was rejected, for he found no chance to repent, though he sought it with tears. (Hebrews 12:16-17)
Passages like this would constantly torment me. Every good promise of God would be completely overshadowed by verses like Hebrew 6:4-6  For it is impossible, in the case of those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, and have shared in the Holy Spirit, and have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the age to come, and then have fallen away, to restore them again to repentance, since they are crucifying once again the Son of God to their own harm and holding him up to contempt.  
In my heart, I felt that I couldn't truly repent. I had fallen away. I was reprobate. I couldn't truly feel sorry for my sins. It was impossible. I was damned. I had blasphemed against the Holy Spirit. I was unforgivable. I wanted to want God, but just didn't.
Hebrews 10:26-27 only furthered my condemnation. For if we go on sinning deliberately after receiving the knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins, but a fearful expectation of judgment, and a fury of fire that will consume the adversaries.

This was my lot. My condition. I had nothing but a fearful expectation of judgment.  There would be long nights that I would pray to God, crying, weeping, begging God to save me. To give me any sort of assurance whatsoever, but there was no relief. I had forsaken God, and in return, He had forsaken me. I found no chance to truly repent, though I sought it with tears. There were times where I prayed for death, that if I was truly cursed, that God would go ahead and take my life. Just go ahead & damned me. Get it over with. If I am just here as a vessel of wrath, just taking up space in your world, only here for vain purposes & completely devoid of doing anything good for the Kingdom of God, then Lord please, rid the world of me. Erase me from existence. Like Judas, it would be better if I had never been born.

Now, over time, I really began to trust & believe that Jesus truly was my Savior. I came to realize through listening to many preachers preaching that the emotions I was feeling was actually evidence of the Holy Spirit was working in my heart. That the sinner separated from God would not have this type of conviction over sin. The fact that I cared so much about my salvation was indeed proof that I was saved. But every now & then, I would doubt. After all, "even the demons believe" (James 2:19) & “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven..." (Matt. 7:21). I still had no assurance of my salvation. I knew I could not trust my "feelings" because they were deceptive. But I could trust the Word of God. I did after all love Scripture. I loved to read the Bible & absolutely cherished the promises of God. I just could not always believe that the promises applied to me. I wrestled with it a lot. The devil did love to twist things in my mind, and oh did he always have a field day with me. It wasn't necessarily that I could not trust God. I could not trust myself. My motives were never pure. I was never sincere enough. I would try to talk to people about it, but no one understood my suffering. My normal response was, "You just need to chill out" & "You're thinking too deep."  After all, it was only my eternal soul that was at stake. I was completely alone. I had to go through this all alone. Everything I learned from the Bible, every struggle, every trial, I did alone. No one understood. Everyone thought I was crazy. My family rejected me. I lost good friends. To quote Martin Luther when someone approached him about taking this too seriously, Luther replied, "I have no peace".

Before I tell this next part, I just want to say this. I thank God for my best friends Colton & Joanna Oeser. Joanna needed to view someone being counseled for her school. I volunteered. After all, I had plenty of issues to work out. My doubt of salvation was one of them. I really wanted to put it behind me once & for all. So I was counseled by Mark Mann (who I consider to be a brilliant man). I will never forget what happened. He point blank asked me, "How are you saved?"  For whatever reason, I couldn't answer right away. It was like I had the wind knocked out of me. I wanted to give the "scholarly" answer. Or maybe the church tradition answer. But I couldn't say anything. My first reaction to his question in my mind was, "How could someone like you possibly be saved?" I know he didn't mean it like that, but that's kinda how I took it. So after about 5 to 10 seconds of silence I finally said, "By faith?" Like it was a question. I knew that was the right answer, but given the circumstance, I couldn't help myself but to say it like that.
He told me to open my Bible & read Ephesians 2. So I did.
And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind.  But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved—

 It was at this point that I started to cry.....

 and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

I had read the verse many times before, but God opened my eyes that day. I do believe I was truly saved before this moment, but this was the day I didn't have to be uncertain anymore.
Mark told me to read the beginning again.

And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked...

Read it one more time... 

And you were dead in the trespasses and sins...

What's the main word there...

And you were dead...

Ryan, spiritually dead men don't bring themselves to life. God does.

BUT.....GOD!
being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, MADE US ALIVE together with Christ...
 For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship...

And then he said very plainly, the reason you're saved...
Is because God predestined you to be saved before the foundation of the world. He has always loved you. Before the world existed, He thought of you. Christ died for your sins. Don't you think that includes your doubts?

And it clicked. A lightbulb went on. It felt like Matthew 4:16 had come to life in me. "The people dwelling in darkness have seen a great light". I had been dwelling in the darkness of the valley & God opened my eyes. Like Martin Luther said, "I felt that I had been born anew and that the gates of heaven had been opened. The whole of Scripture gained a new meaning." 

.....And my heart was flooded with rivers of joy.....

1 John 3:19-20  By this we shall know that we are of the truth and reassure our heart before him; for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything.

I could finally say with the Apostle Paul, "By the grace of God I am what I am".

In the words of Loraine Boettner,

"A man is not saved because he believes in Christ, he believes in Christ because he is saved."

I was dead in my sins. I did not want Christ at all. And then one day, by the mercy & grace of God, I did want Christ. I don't know the exact date, but I don't need to know it. I did not "place my faith & trust in Jesus Christ". I could not. Dead men can't do anything. They need a Savior to make them alive in Christ. By grace I was saved through faith. The grace was not my doing. The salvation was not my doing. The faith was not my doing. It was ALL God. He is the Author, Perfecter, & Finisher of my faith. I am His workmanship. He gets all the credit. I get none of it. And because of that, I have peace. Because I did not magically produce this faith. It was put in me. And that was what I needed to hear. That was the evidence. Knowing that my salvation was determined by a Sovereign God put my soul at rest. It is not based on anything I could do. It's not of works, so I have no reason to boast. It was all Him. I did nothing. That may challenge your church tradition, but it's the biblical truth. 

Some preachers will say that God casts a vote, the devil casts a vote, and you cast the deciding vote. Or some will say that you are drowning in the ocean & God throws you a life raft, but it's up to you to grab on to it. No....that's a complete lie.

I was a dead corpse at the bottom of the ocean that had long past drowned. I was fish food. And God reached down to the depths of the abyss and made me alive.
This is why I love Reformed Theology; for proper exegetical, doctrinal preaching & teaching.  I love the Reformers themselves. I can relate to their testimonies. People just don't preach the same way they did. And I would hate for someone to stand before the gates of Heaven & be denied because "my preacher never taught me that." I never received the whole counsel of God. (Acts 20:27)

This is also why I reject the popular Arminian view that the majority of churches preach now-a-days. Mainly because it's heresy & has been for the past 400 years, but also because it's that kind of view that kept me in chains for so long. I love my Arminian brothers & sisters in Christ, but I cannot worship God that way. Especially knowing that it is not true. My conscience won't allow it. My God did not violate my so called "free will" when he saved me. I was a slave to sin in a prison cell. There was no violation to my will when God set me free. I could choose nothing but sin. If that was a violation, then I thank God for it! 

Ezekiel 36:26-27

And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and CAUSE you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules.

Yes, my God caused me to be the way I am. This is why I have assurance. Because it was not up to me. Like when Jesus said, "Lazarus, come forth!" He called. I obeyed. I did not choose Christ. He chose me.

That's exactly what happened to me. Spiritually dead. Made alive in Christ. 

My God did not make me savable. He saved me. Thoroughly & completely. He wrote my name down in the Lamb's Book of Life before the foundation of the world. When I get to heaven, God will not be surprised. Why? Because He wrote my name in the Book. He knew I'd make it. In the words of James R. White, "God does not predict the future. He controls it."  He doesn't deal with the cards He has been dealt, He deals the cards!

Before the foundation of the world, the election happened. And I was not there for election day. I did not get to cast my vote. It was done without me. God did not look down the corridor of time to determine what I would choose. I was dead. I would choose sin. Every time. I need an extremely Sovereign God to take control of my life because I am extremely sinful. I do not want to be in control. I'll mess it up.

If that makes me a Calvinist, then with as much boldness as I can possibly proclaim...

I AM A CALVINIST! I AM A CALVINIST! I AM A CALVINIST! I won't fight the assumption anymore. You are free to worship God your way. I will worship Him His way.

Because no other kind of Christian can go to sleep each night in peace with full assurance of their salvation. It will always depend on their works. Their "owing God" or striving to "stay saved" because they'll lose their salvation otherwise. I don't wanna owe God. I can't pay that price. I do not want to worship that kind of God. One that promises no guarantees. No full & sufficient sacrifice for my sins. No eternal security. No assurance. I have felt that way for far too long.

When Jesus said, "It is finished"...       He meant it.

For by a single offering he has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified. (Hebrews 10:14)